flatulina (flatulina) wrote,

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Oh my darlings,
I have neglected you all so. Please do forgive me. I've been spending a great deal of time with my friend George Spelvin as my time on Broadway is soon coming to an end. My contract was supposed to go until the end of the year, but the show producers said something about the weather getting colder and not wanted to make the rest of the cast endure the open windows for a NY winter. I don't understand what all of the windows being open has to do with ME... perhaps my record label is behind it so they can get me back on the road for part 2 of the Feel the Heat Tour. Whatever the case, I will simply go with the flow. I'm trying to think of some job for George on my next tour so that we can stay together. We'll see how clever I am...

OH! And speaking of clever, hortensefaith had the most interesting meeting with a woman at the unemployment office. A little back story... Hortense is my frizzy haired, moustache wearing, lazy-eyed, unibrow friend who can't speak clearly. Needless to say her employment opps are limited. I did have her on salary for a while working on my own signature fragrance Flatulessence, but she got off track and I had to stop paying her. Poor dear... she can be a bit simple sometimes, but her nose and sense of smell are far beyond a human level.

So back to my story... Hortense was at the unemployment office and had gone over the list of jobs she had applied for in the last six months, this always makes me giggle. Diamond cutter, actress, sharp shooter, English teacher, crisis hotline counselor... you get the idea. Oh! And President of the United States. Yes.... bless her heart.

Anyway, apparently while they were meeting, the unemployment officer passed gas and Hortense immediately blurted out "Succotash!" Of course the woman was rather confused and Hortense explained that whenever a person passes gas, she can guess what they had for dinner the night before. That was the game the bonded us needless to say. Obviously the woman initially denied that she had passed gas... but then she started thinking about it and came up with the perfect job for Hortense.

She will now be working on the police force as part of the distinguished K-9 unit. Hortense Faith is going to sniff for bombs and drugs!

I think it's brilliant if I do say so myself. I'm very happy for her to find that special purpose. She won't need to drive at all, they'll just lead her to where she needs to sniff and she can do her thing. Incredible!

On another note, as many of you know, Martha Stewart went to prison yesterday. Regardless of your opinion of her, she is a person just like the rest of us. I will ask my fans who normally pour themselves into their fanmail to me, to take one day and write a nice card to Martha instead of to me. Here is Martha Stewart's address in prison:

Martha Stewart
Prisoner #55170-054
Alderson Federal Prison Camp
Glen Ray Rd. Box B
Alderson, WV 24910

Well that is all for now dear ones. I do hope you are all healthy and happy. Know that I carry you all in my little back pocket.

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