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Monday, November 13th, 2006

Subject:Fart music on eBay!!
Time:11:21 am.
Mood: chipper.
Hello friends!

Someone you know would just LOVE to get this for a gift.

Flatulina's CD is currently available on eBay for just $9.95 which is the lowest price anywhere. Snatch it up now while you can!

Flatulina's fart music on eBay!

Thanks and stay fabulous!

The "F" Team
Comments: Read 7 orAdd Your Own.

Sunday, October 1st, 2006

Subject:How to survive holiday dysfunction...
Time:10:18 pm.
Hello Flatulina fans!
Some of you have been writing to ask WHERE you can order a copy of the precious and delightful CD "Flatulina's Fabulous Holiday Spectacular". Well, you will be pleased to know that you can order it from a few places...
Flatulina.com to get it directly from Flatulina's people.
CDBaby.com if you want to support indie music.
Amazon.com to get it from the establishment.

So if you're dreading time with dysfunctional relatives during the holidays, consider some Flatulina therapy to get you through!

Stay fabulous!
The "F" Team
Comments: Add Your Own.

Saturday, April 9th, 2005

Subject:I feel so loved... I love myself.
Time:4:15 pm.
Mood: touched.
Toot if you love Flatulina!
Comments: Read 2 orAdd Your Own.

Tuesday, April 5th, 2005

Subject:Pissing off Barbra
Time:3:05 pm.
Mood: nervous.
Darling fans,

I'm afraid I've made waves with a legend. Barbara Streisand is a bit mad at me I am afraid because she left me a couple of messages on my voice mail and I haven't quite had time to call her back. And when I say "I haven't had time" I mean, I've been too busy sipping apricot nectar and getting my nails done to have my assistant call her for me.

I found a rather angry post-it note on my windshield a couple of weeks ago, and it smelled of pimento loaf and bourbon, so I knew it was her for sure. I mean the only other person that smell could be is Bob Saget, and he's a bit enamorate of me, so he would never use words like "doo doo head" on a post it.

No... it was definitely Barbra Streisand. But I don't blame her, she's got a lot of stress right now with the Meet the Fockers whirlwind in her career.

I do hope I can make this right with her very soon.

Kisses,
Flatulina

p.s. I am having too much fun connecting with many of my celebrity friends on myspace.com. Not only have I hooked up with girlfriends like Paris and Beyonce, but some old flames like John Stamos, Willy Wonka, and Usher. Check it out sometime! www.myspace.com/flatulina
Comments: Add Your Own.

Tuesday, March 15th, 2005

Subject:I look like a million bucks, but...
Time:3:35 pm.
Mood: accomplished.
I am worth $2,501,300.00 on HumanForSale.com

Wow! How is THAT for fabulous!?
Comments: Add Your Own.

Wednesday, March 9th, 2005

Subject:I've decided!
Time:6:59 pm.
Mood: happy.
Well my darlings, I have officially decided! I'm going to do another record very soon. Are you as excited as I am? I think I'll call it "Inflatuation". I'm so excited. My little fish choir will be excited too, but I must let you all know that I have had to add some new little fishies to the choir. Tarzan & Zulu took another gig, which I can totally understand. And Ellen Jéan has decided to focus on being a mom, so who can blame her for that.

Sooo... I have some new fish that I've been training, and when I say I've been training them, I mean my assistant, Babs, and L'Monjello, my fish trainer, have been working around the clock with them getting them to be able to sing. I will let you know more at another time.

BUT for now, IF YOU ARE ON MYSPACE.COM PLEASE ADD ME TO YOUR FRIEND LIST!

http://www.myspace.com/flatulina


Oh yes, I feel so alive and warm inside!

kisses,
Flatulina
Comments: Add Your Own.

Wednesday, February 9th, 2005

Subject:amazing
Time:7:40 pm.
Mood: touched.
It's so amazing to see the Puppies for Peace in action!!!
Puppies for Peace at work in the middle east
Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:Tickled PINK!
Time:11:45 am.
Mood: ecstatic.
Wow wow wow! I am stunned at the success of my Puppies for Peace campaign. I mean, when Abbas and Sharon were initiated into the Puppies for Peace program four months ago, I never thought the results would be so remarkable!

For those of you who don't know about it, here is my official statement about PfP: "Puppies for Peace originated from my belief that it is my duty to use my fame, money, and beauty for the good of the world. After my extensive ambassador work, I learned that much of the problem with world politics today are the result of national leaders who are not only greedy and power hungry, but just plain grumpy and mean. It has always been my belief that if these men would simply play with a puppy for a half an hour every day, they would be much nicer. So, I have been spearheading the "Puppies for Peace" campaign. "Puppies for Peace" is now an international organization which is working toward placing a "puppy secretary" in the capitol of every nation. This Puppy Secretary has a daily appointment with the top government officials to deliver and supervise their puppy time every day. We believe that once these leaders have had a regular puppy time every day, they will feel happy, and be nice. The only exception to this policy will be in Korea where we are concerned that they might eat the puppy every day instead. That would be tragic. "

So, I guess the proof of this success is in this article...

Israel to Lift Restrictions on West Bank

Feb 9, 11:18 AM (ET)

By MOHAMMED DARAGHMEH


(AP) Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas, also known as Abu Mazen, talks to journalists as he...
Full Image

RAMALLAH, West Bank (AP) - Israel will lift travel restrictions on Palestinians in parts of the West Bank and abandon several major checkpoints as part of its withdrawal from five towns in the coming weeks, Palestinian leader Mahmoud Abbas said Wednesday.

Free travel would be the most tangible improvement yet in the lives of ordinary Palestinians, sending a strong message that a cease-fire with Israel is beginning to pay off. Abbas made the announcement a day after meeting with Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon at a Mideast summit in Egypt.

A senior Israeli military official confirmed that several roadblocks would be removed as part of the handover of security responsibility for the five towns to the Palestinians. The handover of Jericho, Tulkarem, Qalqiliya, Bethlehem and Ramallah will occur during the next three weeks, according to a timetable agreed to by Abbas and Sharon on Tuesday.

A second meeting between the two, set for Sharon's Sycamore Ranch in southern Israel, could take place "in the coming days or a week," said Raanan Gissin, an adviser to Sharon.

At the Egypt summit, Abbas and Sharon announced an end to hostilities, raising hopes of ending the violence and restarting long-stalled peace moves..."


Isn't this just incredible!? Unbelievable really.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Tuesday, February 1st, 2005

Subject:Ah... vacation
Time:10:41 pm.
Mood: energetic.
Oh darling ones,
What can I say? After a long and grueling tour, it is so wonderful to have some down time with dear friends. I've decided to visit Phaic Tan to get some R&R, and will soon go to my little chalet in Molvania too. It always warms my heart to hear the Molvanian national anthem as I arrive. There is truly no other musical piece like it. Quite extraordinary.

The "Feel the Heat: Part 2" tour went extremely well, but it always gives me a pang to think about how I cannot perform in the U.S. or any nation that is more developed. I'm just not welcome where they have clean air standards. I don't understand, it's okay for me to LIVE there, but to do a concert is forbidden. The next time Ralph Nader tries to act like we're buddies, I'm going to show him what it's like to be snubbed. For real!

But I don't want to waste my time on such unfabulous things as unforgiveness and grudge holding. That is not the style of a diva. Instead I will focus on things that give me joy and peace.

Speaking of which, I have been so honored and overwhelmed at the masses of entries I have already received in my "Who is Flatulina's #1 Fan?" contest! I don't know HOW we'll ever get through them all. My poor assistant Babs, she is working herself to death. She was so worn out from watching the thousands of video submissions, she barely had the energy to bring me my tempeh sandwich and apricot nectar while I was resting in my hammock. I felt guilty when she did the daily reflexology treatment on my feet, but I do pay her well, so it all works out in the end.

And I know many of you have been writing and asking about my relationship with the famous actor, George Spelvin, but you know my desire to keep my personal life somewhat private... and yet, it is so like me to want to keep something inside but end up just letting it all out all the time. Alas, that is what makes me Flatulina.

Thank you to all of you who are still sending me photos with the Flatulina merchandise and for all of your letters. You are what make the world go around.

Kisses,
Flatulina
Comments: Add Your Own.

Monday, December 20th, 2004

Subject:Flatulina is now on iTunes!
Time:11:05 am.
Mood:celebratory!.
A NOTE FROM FLATULINA'S PUBLICIST:

To all the Flatulina fans with iPods, Flatulina's Fabulous Holiday Spectacular is now available on iTunes.


Download Flatulina on iTunes! Put her on your iPod!


Flatulina's Fabulous Holiday Spectacular


We hope you are all enjoying this holiday season, and want to remind you to get your daily allowance of FABULOUS!

Comments: Read 2 orAdd Your Own.

Monday, November 29th, 2004

Subject:Holiday Mania
Time:2:11 pm.
Mood: flirty.
Hello dear sweet fans-
Well, I must say the Feel the Heat Part 2 Tour is taking off with a bang, despite my booty syncing humiliation I wrote about earlier. The fish are as bubbly as ever. L'Monjello kept them in peak form vocally, and it was only a couple of weeks of rehearsals and it was like we'd never parted. Little Lenny Kravitz has put on some weight, but it doesn't affect his sound too much. I hate to say he's my favorite fish... so I won't.

George Spelvin, my new special friend has now taken over as stage manager for the shows. So between having L'Monjello as my fish trainer, Tootie as my road manager, George as my stage manager, Jemima as my body guard, Babs as my assistant, and then my little fish choir, we are quite a happy family... as long as my air filters keep working. And hopefully my former boyfriend and then stalker Alan Smithee [alansmitheex ] won't show up again to follow me on this tour. That was an ordeal I never want to live through again. I can still remember the horror of getting his package on Christmas day and see what he had cut off his body to send me. Well actually I didn't see it with my OWN eyes since it was my assistant who opened it, but I never want to see her react that way again.

Tootie [tootietull] is still her lovably despondent self. She has started taking her hand at song writing and has even done some performances at some "pagan songwriter in the round" nights, but from what she tells me she got boo'd off the stage and escorted out by the show's host. Apparently she wasn't gothic enough for them. They were doing songs like "Blood Mother" and "Leatherwinged Bats", and she had titles like "Running with Scissors" and "Puppy Kicker". She said they seemed interested in "Puppy Kicker" until they found out she was talking about a stuffed animal. That was when they made her leave. Poor Tootie. She says this is making her dangerously close to falling back into her addictions, so we are once again searching her room every day for Afrin bottles. And she doesnt' show a trace of attraction to L'Monjello any more which is just as well. She was very unstable through that whole saga with him being in a coma. I'm glad I could write about all of it in this livejournal as it was happening. Every now and then a person has to release what's inside of them, no matter how explosive or unpleasant. That's my personal philosophy anyway.

So on that note, I will bid farewell. And if you didn't already know, you can now download songs digitally from my site. Flatulina.com Isn't that the best?

Kisses,
Flatulina
Comments: Add Your Own.

Saturday, October 30th, 2004

Subject:NEW FLATULINA USER PICS!
Time:3:54 pm.

This is Flatulina's publicist. She wanted to make sure her LJ friends had early
access to these pics before they are made available on her website. Use freely!







wink wink!

Comments: Read 6 orAdd Your Own.

Wednesday, October 27th, 2004

Subject:Booty Syncing
Time:10:17 am.
Mood: embarrassed.
Hello my sweet and ever faithful fans-
I first want to thank those of you who have written me expressing your concern for me after the flood of unfavorable headlines about me recently. I am not proud of what has occured, but I want to assure you that the only reason I did it was out of desperation. I knew I needed to perform, I couldn't cancel on such short notice, and I simply did not have my usual abundance of gas. I knew for me to go out there and perform without having a safety net would potentially be catastrophic. So I did what I never thought I would do, I booty synced.

You and I know that even if I booty synched on it or not, I'd still get seen by dozens of Molvanians, maybe even make a few more fans. I'll hold my head high and say I think it was silly of me to do it, silly of me to blame the Gas-X, I was just so... out of gas. But I don't think it did me much harm, and people will see that soon.

I am so thankful I have the love and support of my dear new friend George Spelvin, and the rest of my entourage. They provide a wonderful buffer for me from the real world, real people, and real consequences.

On another note, you may already know, I am now finished with my contract, portraying Veronica Kelly as a part of the cast of Chicago on Broadway, and will soon begin my travels on my "Feel the Heat Part 2" Tour. Tootie may not be acting as tour manager this time, I don't know for sure. But L'Monjello and the fish will definitely rejoin me. I am so looking forward to being with my sweet little fish choir again. I have missed them so.

Anyway, please do forgive darling fans, I will try to communicate better with you in the upcoming months. And when I say "I will try to communicate better with you" I mean, I will tell my assistant to pretend she's me and post entries into this LiveJournal.

And now I will practice the fine art of distraction and denial and lose myself in online quizzes.

Ta taaa dear ones!
Flatulina


You are .mp3 The kids love you.  You get along with just about everybody except the music industry.  You really make yourself heard.
Which File Extension are You?
Comments: Add Your Own.

Saturday, October 9th, 2004

Subject:finally!
Time:9:14 am.
Mood: impressed.
Oh my darlings,
I have neglected you all so. Please do forgive me. I've been spending a great deal of time with my friend George Spelvin as my time on Broadway is soon coming to an end. My contract was supposed to go until the end of the year, but the show producers said something about the weather getting colder and not wanted to make the rest of the cast endure the open windows for a NY winter. I don't understand what all of the windows being open has to do with ME... perhaps my record label is behind it so they can get me back on the road for part 2 of the Feel the Heat Tour. Whatever the case, I will simply go with the flow. I'm trying to think of some job for George on my next tour so that we can stay together. We'll see how clever I am...

OH! And speaking of clever, hortensefaith had the most interesting meeting with a woman at the unemployment office. A little back story... Hortense is my frizzy haired, moustache wearing, lazy-eyed, unibrow friend who can't speak clearly. Needless to say her employment opps are limited. I did have her on salary for a while working on my own signature fragrance Flatulessence, but she got off track and I had to stop paying her. Poor dear... she can be a bit simple sometimes, but her nose and sense of smell are far beyond a human level.

So back to my story... Hortense was at the unemployment office and had gone over the list of jobs she had applied for in the last six months, this always makes me giggle. Diamond cutter, actress, sharp shooter, English teacher, crisis hotline counselor... you get the idea. Oh! And President of the United States. Yes.... bless her heart.

Anyway, apparently while they were meeting, the unemployment officer passed gas and Hortense immediately blurted out "Succotash!" Of course the woman was rather confused and Hortense explained that whenever a person passes gas, she can guess what they had for dinner the night before. That was the game the bonded us needless to say. Obviously the woman initially denied that she had passed gas... but then she started thinking about it and came up with the perfect job for Hortense.

She will now be working on the police force as part of the distinguished K-9 unit. Hortense Faith is going to sniff for bombs and drugs!

I think it's brilliant if I do say so myself. I'm very happy for her to find that special purpose. She won't need to drive at all, they'll just lead her to where she needs to sniff and she can do her thing. Incredible!

On another note, as many of you know, Martha Stewart went to prison yesterday. Regardless of your opinion of her, she is a person just like the rest of us. I will ask my fans who normally pour themselves into their fanmail to me, to take one day and write a nice card to Martha instead of to me. Here is Martha Stewart's address in prison:

Martha Stewart
Prisoner #55170-054
Alderson Federal Prison Camp
Glen Ray Rd. Box B
Alderson, WV 24910

Well that is all for now dear ones. I do hope you are all healthy and happy. Know that I carry you all in my little back pocket.

Kisses,
Flatulina
Comments: Read 3 orAdd Your Own.

Thursday, August 26th, 2004

Subject:Hi loves!!
Time:10:39 pm.
Mood: content.
Wow, I just did this and am stunned at the accuracy...

FFragile
LLight
AAmbitious
TTalented
UUnusual
LLegendary
IIntelligent
NNoisy
AAwkward

Name / Username:


Name Acronym Generator
From Go-Quiz.com
Comments: Read 2 orAdd Your Own.

Tuesday, August 17th, 2004

Subject:Good morning...
Time:7:55 am.
Mood: giddy.
Hello dearest fans,
Well it is early in the morning and I am writing this before my day gets crazy busy. I am still enjoying my job performing with the cast of Chicago, and in fact I've made a new special friend. His name is George Spelvin and he is a very talented actor. He's done lots of movies and has acted with many famous people.

The really strange thing is: he's Alan Smithee's cousin. Who would have ever thought. But George is different, first of all, he doesn't play mind games like Alan did. Second of all, he's way cuter. Let me say there's a reason Alan was always BEHIND the camera!

I have had several people write and ask me how Tootie is doing, so I thought I'd give an update. Tootie is still mainly in Michigan as the bouncer at the salad bar, but she did come to Molvania for a few days to record a special feature for my radio show, so that was good. She was her usual tortured self, and after we recorded the show, she got very quiet and withdrawn. I guess she was just trying to comprehend the magnitude of being "on the radio" and all of the fame issues that can result. I haven't really heard from her much since, but I plan to have my assistant call her very soon.

Oh, and in case you didn't already know, you can hear clips of my radio show in the FANCLUB AREA of my site. Go there and download an mp3. you can hear my friend Marcy and me giving advice to the people who wrote in with questions. It was a blast and I hope to do more shows very soon.

Well, little people, you all stay fabulous and forgive me for not writing more. What can I say? I'm a celebrity.


kisses,
Flatulina
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Wednesday, July 21st, 2004

Subject:craziness
Time:5:29 pm.
Mood: creative.
Hello dear ones!
What can I say, my life is just busier all the time it seems. Many of you will be excited to know that I've been working with my friend Marcy on a RADIO SHOW!! We will be making that available sometime soon I hope. We are giving ADVICE, so if you need advice, feel free to write in and ask us. We will do our best to answer all of your questions. Send your querries to info@flatulina.com.

In the mean time, being in the cast of Chicago is still great, but since I'm on a short term contract, my management is telling me that they think I should move on when the contract expires and not renew. I am so glad I came, though, because I've made friends with a very special person named George Spelvin, and I must say he is quite attentive to me. I took him to Molvania on a long weekend off, and he loved it there. I think he's considering buying a vacation home there also.

Last week, L'Monjello brought a couple of my little fishies to visit me, and that was wonderful. They are getting out of practice vocally, but we will work them back up before our next concert. I do think they were jealous of George Spelvin, though.

stay tuned people!
Flatulina
Comments: Add Your Own.

Tuesday, June 8th, 2004

Subject:hello darlings!
Time:11:23 pm.
Mood: ditzy.
Can you ever forgive me for not updating after my Broadway debut? I am so sorry, several of you have written, and I don't want you to think that I have suddenly become too big for my britches and don't have time for the little people, because nothing could be farther from the truth.

I have to say that being in a Broadway show is a BLAST even if I am simply a murder victim. Veronica Kelly is a very complex character and I am challenged with each performance. My understudy is a sweet little thing too. She is always giving me feedback and the rest of the cast of Chicago is just a colorful group. They are always so generous to me, like the other night I was in my dressing room [they have been kind enough to give me my own room even though several of the other cast mates must share... in fact I'm the only one with the honor of having a private room] anyway, I was just getting to backstage before the show and when I walked into my dressing room, there were dozens of scented candles already lit. It was heavenly. I think it was just to help me focus mentally, you know? And they are always trying to make sure I don't get hot because they have a big fan in my window pulling the air outside. Such wonderful concern.

Anyway, I regret to say, I don't think I am finished with... dare I type the name... Alan Smithee, my former boyfriend and apparently current stalker. Look at this...

flatulina's LJ stalker is alansmitheex!
alansmitheex is stalking you because your LiveJournal is just SO damned interesting. They are also not very liked around here!


LiveJournal Username:


LJ Stalker Finder
From Go-Quiz.com

What do you think of that?

On the bright side, security is very tight backstage, my body guard Gemima is free to roam the building while I'm safely tucked with the rest of the cast, so I am not concerned that Mr. Smithee will do me any harm. The fish are safe with L'Monjello in an undisclosed location. Tootie is coming to visit very soon, and Hortense is happy as a clam over in Molvania, enjoying my vacation chalet.

Well that is all for now, my little lambs. I adore you all.

Kisses,
Flatulina
Comments: Read 2 orAdd Your Own.

Thursday, May 13th, 2004

Subject:Goodbye to Molvania, HELLO BROADWAY!
Time:9:15 pm.
Mood: nervous.
Oh darling fans,
I must confess I've been a bit trepidacious as this new season has approached, but now that I have begun rehearsing for my new role as Veronica Kelly in the Broadway cast of Chicago, I can honestly say I'm having the time of my life. The people in the cast are so affectionate and friendly with each other. And the men all have a strange quality, they remind me very much of my Uncle Flatulenny. It seems strange to think I was in Antarctica only a few months ago. Like an alternate reality.

But re-entry in the the U.S. was no easy journey. Suffice it to say that me riding on a commercial flight without my flatulence filter [couldn't get it through security] was a rather touchy situation. I just passed the time by getting lost in thoughts of remembering all that has happened in the last six months. My time in Antarctica with my family, being stalked by my ex-boyfriend Alan Smithee, performing in Lesbia and Zamibia, discovering Molvania and buying a vacation home, seeing Hortense after all this time, it's all been so fast and fleeting.

Hortense is doing well. She took to Molvania like a duck to butter. Once she learned her way around, she would go for very long meandering adventures, trying to find exactly where it is that "old world meets concrete". It was so heart-warming really. She has decided to stay there and care for the fish until L'Monjello can get back to Molvania to retrieve them. Her work in Switzerland is on hold indefinitely. I'm sorry to say that perhaps hiring her to develop my "Flatulessence" fragrance may not have been the wisest decision. Maybe there will be success at some point, but from what I've gathered, she got caught up in inventing some weight-loss formula and never got her focus back.

Tootie is really enjoying her work as the bouncer at the Ruby Tuesdays salad bar in Michigan. I'm hoping she can come and visit me in New York sometime. She wanted me to check out the "goth ice dancing scene" for her. I'm not expecting to find much, but I do think it's fabulous that she hasn't completely lost interest in it after the fiasco with L'Monjello and the booger in his nose.

Ah, but this journal entry is getting too long. I have more to tell, but I will wait until next time.

I START MY NEW BROADWAY ROLE NEXT WEEK!!!!

Kisses,
Flatulina
Comments: Add Your Own.

Saturday, April 24th, 2004

Subject:A brilliant idea!
Time:5:45 pm.
Mood: ecstatic.
Hello sweet fans!
Sometimes I must admit that I do impress myself with my clever ideas. It happened the other day when I went to this Molvanian restaurant. It was an experience I cannot describe, but it was a combination of people watching with all of the bad teeth, bad hair, bad skin, worse clothes, and rampant unwanted facial hair - and the smells, more acrid and suffocating than anyone in America would ever imagine. And that was just my appetizer... So then it hit me... HORTENSE! hortensefaith

If there was ever a country where my dear friend Hortense Faith would be socially accepted, it is Molvania! I called her immediately... well as soon as I found a working telephone line, and told her she needed to pack her bags and come to Molvania. I really think she might even find herself a man here, which would be the first time since she used to volunteer at the Adult Center for the Deaf, Blind, and Clueless when she had that one boyfriend who used to play checkers and watch Teletubbies all day.

And I daresay her natural speech impediment might serve her well with the Molvanian pronuciations.

It is a great thing when everything comes together and the universe makes sense.

Much love and fabulosity-
Flatulina
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

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